Hey – you know those benches we have by the door? They're nice and low – perfect for collapsing on – with a slidey part to help the coaches spatula you back to your feet after the WOD. C'mon, you know the ones….they have long handles so you can hold on while you're doing your dynamic stretching?
Well, those babies have a name. They're called treadmills, and believe it or not, some people use them exclusively. Weird, right? Like having a medicine ball fetish or something. Sure, to us they're part of a toolkit; the "Plan C," to be used when the weather is way beyond that whole "rain, snow or dark of night" thing. A last resort with blinking LED.
At other gyms, these monstrosities have a lot of fans. The best ones cost more than $7000, feature heart-rate measuring, pre-programmed 'interval workouts,' little televisions….and, best of all, a handlebar!
Conveniently located just south of the STOP! button, a little to the left of the 'EMERGENCY STOP' button/pull cord, and about three inches from the "Pause/Stop" key, the handlebar keeps people safe. Not just safe from falling off, but safe from looking like a doofus. You know, like that guy.
That guy over there, making all the noise. We can hear his breathing over our oh-so-quiet WhisperDeck cushioning system (trademark pending.) We heard a solid 'clunk' a minute ago, when he dropped that dumbbell – everyone turned to look, remember? – and now he's sweating all over the floor. Why, the pulsemeter light on my console shot way up just watching him. Gawd, some people just have to draw attention to themselves.
A handlebar is a safety device, all right – it's a bubble. It's a skinny, pulse-monitoring line between you and public spectacle. It's a kickstand; it's a social lifesaver. It's an anchor, in every sense of the word.
We don't really go in for handlebars. We think of "safety" in the way of a rock climber who's trying to maintain three points of contact: stable, but always reaching upward. We think handlebars make things too easy. We think, if you're holding on, you may as well be wearing roller skates.
Far from being the thing holding you up, we believe that handlebars are really what's standing in your way. In the gym, in your work, in your love life. Remove the familiar and stretch upward.
Treadmills have their place, just like training wheels and car horns. We think, though, that if you need a machine to tell you if your heart is beating hard enough, you may as well be on life support.